Embarrasing -speaking your mind!

She was a friend for me before I even knew what a friend is. When other students would mock me because of my dark clothes and messy makeup she would stand in front of me and convince everyone I am not their type of normal, which is OK. She explained to the simple-minded bastards of closed-minded parents that just because I have a weird chain around my pants that doesn’t mean I deal drugs. Or do drugs. I have never seen how marijuana ooks anyways.

I loved her for her courage and pride. Our friendship was based on her motivational speeches. They were cliches, worn out phrases, tumblr quotes on a filtered image of clouds, but still I chose to befriend her because I loved the certainty that she will protect me. Something I couldn’t do myself. I have never seen her dressed tacky. She would always measure out her outfit in every detail and only then leave the house. I see it as a kind of super power to choose your best appearance every day and wear it proudly.

Compared to my “I don’t even wanna live ” – clothes and even messier hair I looked like a joke next to her

But when I sit down to drink coffee with her, everybody would just look at us, They would stare and comment.

She yells. She literally yells.

I tried so many times to tone her down, but it would always come out like this:

“I am from the Balkans,we talk to loud, it is in our nature!”

Then I question my own heritage. My voice is quite and high-pitched. Nothing like her massive androgen voice that shutters walls.

Sometimes I put everything on a scale. Do I love her? Am I able to love her despite her embarrassing me and protecting me at the same time?

Shame befalls me. I am thinking of losing a friend because I can’t stand the looks we get when she is talking about her day, so, am I being a good person myself?

Once we were asked politely to leave because she would disturb other guests. I never even walk trough the street let alone walk by the coffee shop.

But I had enough, the baggage of owing her fell from my shoulder and I found some dignity in myself.

“Tina we have to talk.”

“What is it hahahhahhahah, look at that babyyyyy!”

I turned around to see a beautiful little creature in a tutu dress and a ribbon band on her hand. She was adorable while she was half asleep.

“Oh my, she is dressed like a pooodle!! Hahahah..”

Her mother approached us carrying her little ballet dancer to us. I wished to disappear and mantle myself with an invisible cloth.

“I am sorry but calling my baby a poodle is not a polite comparison. I ask for and apology.”

“Mrs, I have a right on my own opinion.”

“Sure you do, but if your opinion is directly addressed to me or my family I have the right as well to react and ask for an apology. Is it so hard to say sorry and so easy to say something hurtful?”

“Mam I was not intending for you to hear my comment. Please leave, I am on a hour break, please let me finish this coffee and then continue my remaining working hours – relaxed.”

The woman gave up and went out of Cinnamon’s. I could feel my redness glowing trough my skin.

“Tina what the heck?”

She then rose her voice so loud that I felt she was yelling at people a kilometer away. She screamed about how the woman was stupid and had no taste. How everybody was able to say what they liked.

I stood up and said that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore and went trough the door.

She called me afterward to ask what my problem was. I told her she was to loud and since that night I believed she was ignorant and rude too. She reminded me of the times she stood up for me when nobody would. I was thinking for a moment, then I thanked her for that but added that I cannot see it as a base for our friendship.

“You did something good but you are not a good person Tina.”

She hung up on me. Tomorrow in school everything was reset to the bullying period. Nobodyย  would talk to me.

Nadine who had a baby last year called me rude and unsympathetic. She asked me what would my own reaction be if someone called my baby a poodle.

Tina preached the yesterdays incident as something I did.

Then I realized I made the right choice.

I have to protect myself with confidence and then search for people I won’t owe my friendship.

Marko said my face looks paler than before. It will be a long way to confidence, but I made my first step.

 

 
Embarrassing

Connected – how far do I have to go?

A long distance relationship is when bodies are separated and hearts are pledged to one another. He had to leave town for his job, I had to stay because of mine and that is how we got here. I am certainly not the type to scream how much I miss him and post pathetic pictures, but I suffer indeed.

He calls me a lot now. He is not having wifi or any other internet connection. So we talk on the phone a lot.

Our communication at home is simple. We don’t argue a lot and get along pretty well. Sometimes I believe we don’t talk things trough because we don’t like even the slightest tension between us. We are missing out on being right and peace follows. A good bargain, I believe.

But since he is in this remote village, researching, he cannot deflect our conversations by pinching me, tickling me, stroking my hair or simply kissing me.

We had to face our fears, righteously.

“Hey pumpkin how was your day?”

“Hey love, it was boring and monotonous. Except that Kitty delivered four kittens.”

“Oh, wow. I thought it will be only two.”

“Yes haha I thought the same as well.”

“I miss you a lot, I sketched your face on one of my papers. I have to print a new one because it was important.”

“Hahaha don’t throw it away, I want to see it'”

“Of course not it took me an hour only to get your nose right!”

I mute for a moment.

“So I have an ugly nose?”

“Your nose is not ugly, it is a bit bigger..”

“So you think I have a big ugly nose you cannot sketch easily?”

“What?! No Melissa it is not like that at all, I love every part of you the way you are..”

“It didn’t sound like it”

“By the way are we going to give a kitten to Carly?”

“Why her?”

“She told me she likes cats and that she wished to have a kitten.”

“When did you guys talk? She is my friend as far as I remember.”

“She messaged me yesterday.”

I mute again.

“I knew you wouldn’t like it but her and I talk regularly, we are friends so to say. It is nothing pumpkin I swear we just talk and send each other links of funny cat videos.. Still there?”

“You never talked about her nor did she ever mention you. What is going on?”

“I think I gotta go, my boss called for a meeting, will you be OK?

“Do I have a reason not to be?”

“Of course not.. I am hanging up.. Bye”

“Bye.”

 

It is not just funny videos. They sleep together. He is been cheating on me with her for a month now. I knew immediately because he is such a bad liar and his phone passwords are ridiculous. I love him and I want him to admit it before I leave. I want to hear a bit of dignity in his voice and responsibility in his attitude. I deserve it.

He called the next evening.

“Hey pumpkin.”

“I know you have been sleeping with Carly.”

I don’t even hear him breathing anymore.

“Melissa I am a terrible person.”

He starts sobbing so ridiculously that I could imagine saliva and boogers receding down his now wrinkled face.

We talked for and hour. He told me that she came up to him first, needing his words of comfort. Than his shoulder. Than his genitalia.

She would show up on midday coffees very provocatively dressed, with red lipstick. She knows about his red lips fetish, I told her about it.

She would be needy and sexy. She seduced him.

He was ranting all about it with his unmanly high-pitched weeping voice.

I remained calm and just encouraged him to keep talking.

When he finished I asked him did he had a choice to back away, tell her about his wife (me) or just stop it because he obviously read her signs.

He muted for a second and apologized.

He had to go kilometers away. He had to call me on the phone andย  admit all of it while he is far away from me.

I never knew he liked to draw. I never knew he thought my nose is a bit bigger.

I left his apartment and bought an old mobile phone.

I dragged my stuff to the buss station while tears slide down my cheeks.

“Sorry miss, do you need help?”

“Yes, I answered sobbing, how far do I have to go to lose all I had and build something new and get honesty and love because that is what I offer?”

“Well miss, said the boy confused, not far away because home is not a place. At least that is what mom always says.”

“Thank you.”

The first bus that arrived took me to a small city named Travnik.

There I found myself.
Connected

Playful

Slowly music worked its way to my muscles and bones and it took me over.

In a frantic situation I chose to be his slave and dance to stay alive in this harem. I moved my hands the way they showed me reluctantly before. They had called me pagan and ugly – I felt like the most beautiful woman while the Sultan’s eyes never left my hands, the endorsements on my hips, my very own eyes smudged with black paint from Egypt.

I moved my hips this way for the first time, I would stop with the small pauses in the music and continue even more lively when the sound became faster.

They were beneath my feet and the rattling of my golden chains around the ankles.

Every other girl stopped and left the spot for me. My dress barely touched my skin, I was perpetually in motion and rhythm.

For the Sultan, whom I resent, for my life I hold dear I will show them the flower they plucked by shackling me.

I am a slave girl from the pagan world? See me drawing pictures with my moves and passion and enchanting you with my pagan sentiment!

The drums lost the pace, my dance had to end. As I had thrown myself to the floor as a final act to I felt the purple silk handkerchief hit my arm.

“This playful pagan girl is under my guard. Prepare for tonight. I name you Hurem.”

 
Playful

Song on the radio

I give my breakfast a brave look.

You know bread, I will be productive today,

you milk – don’t judge me I am trying my best!

It has been months since he left. I painted the walls green and blue, a horrible idea.

I bought new cushions for the sofa. They are fluffy and help when I need an emergency hug.

I miss his smell and his laziness. The way his eyes narrow when he smiles.

He is handsome and adorable somewhere else, where a girl compliments his beard in her head.

I don’t like the girl.

I bought a goldfish and placed it under the big cat sticker on the wall.

I am playing with irony, I have too much time to think.

I miss how he pokes me every morning to wake me up and then squeezes me until it becomes unbearable.

When he calls, comes to visit, I am a hero.

I don’t cry, I enjoy his visits and wave until I lose the bus out of sight.

He compliments my strength, I faintly understand what it means to be strong.

I hug a bear that smells like him.

But I don’t tell him these things at once and in detail.

When he asks me how I am, I tell him all this but comprised in the line – I miss you.

I hear him breathing to the phone, answering with I miss you too.

By the time he replies I have put my phone beside me and I weep.

I collect myself quickly and say: “Well, soon.”

“Soon.” – he replies.

Our song plays on the radio, as I watch the wind move the curtains.

I need new curtains and a new window.

 

 

The link to my shop collection, please pay a visit! Hopefully buy something ๐Ÿ˜€

http://gotclicks2.com/KCFK95FAb

For more info about it read my post Hello.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

Come with me

He is loosing ground.

I ask him to be strong,

but what does that even mean?

To harden your wary old shield

from the very same thing?

I tell him go, leave all

with me

he says no,

let us build something

from here.

I look to the spot he shows to me

all I see is our families in tears

to grow

my dear

we must let them there.

To grow we need a second way.

 

My shop collection, for more info check my post Hello

Link: http://gotclicks2.com/KCFK95FAb

 

Be happy

In a trial I fight slow, I turn left right is a no.

I see lines being colored by time, not by the brush I call mine

I see dust and I swipe it off, it turned to crust

My skin under is untouched.

 

I want life, not boredom

death is boredom too

If you believe in a life beyond death

you you will have to wait your quest

But if you live only for this

what is the point what is the quiz?

 

You gather you gather you hold dear

you avoid, hide, isolate

only to see death as if nothing was done by thee

 

If nothing is what awaits me

or Heaven or Hell at the end

I will act the same,

and I will toil to be happy

no other purpose is ahead of me.

P.S the link to my shop collection: http://gotclicks2.com/KCFK95FAb

 

Hello

I am rarely addressing people due my not so straightforward personality but this time i will make an exception.

My name is Sabina and I write. I live in a country where you have to make opportunities for yourself. Not a lot is offered from the government as it is corrupt and what not.

So I started my own small business I named Introvert’s corner.

To sum it up – I am a SFI affiliate, i market items from a site called TripleClicks and I gain commission from every item purchased from the link I have provided for you.

It is more like a hobby for enhancing my skills and it is fun. Whether I will be able to profit depends on lot of things. By the way if you want to join SFI there is a banner at the footer of my blog so you are free to inform yourself more about it and join.

So, now I am asking you for help ๐Ÿ™‚ I will provide a link of items I chose to be in my shop. I made sure they are not expensive and that the shipping is free. For starters I included mugs, reading lamps, various decorative items and cushions.

If you are interested to buy something it will really make my day(s) !

If not, I will ask you to share my shop with your friends or even on your blog if you feel generous today :D.

If not, I appreciate you reading this to the end.

Have a nice day!

P.S If you have requests for items or suggestions or even critiques feel free to share them with me ๐Ÿ™‚

The Link: http://gotclicks2.com/KCFK95FAbย  Thank You!