I cheated on my diet today without hesitation. I’ve been clean for a month but then I smelled pizza at lunch break.
-“Well, Zehra, you are eating pizza. Isn’t it time to change some things in your life? Look at all the girls around you that are fit and healthy. Your chin has a chin..”
Our school counselor was never the best with indirect instructions that would advise me and spare me at the same time. Once she told me that skinny yoga-pants are not meant for plus-plus-size models. She wanted to ease her remark by calling me a model but she certainly doesn’t know how to be kind and honest.
-“It is ok Ms. Popovich, it is the first in months”
She shacked her head in disbelief. I saw her off with a sharp look and continued my treat.
“May I sit with you?”
A very skinny girl sat next to me. I see almost nothing on her plate. Some beans, mashed potatoes and a tiny portion of chicken.
“Are you on a diet?
She smiled faintly. Her eyes were sad and swollen. I could see small spider-webs of capillaries under her eyes and about her scleroses. I bite my tongue and try to change the topic.
“Would you like pizza?”- I usually never share food but I felt that I wronged her. She looked at me then at the slice and with a bright smile she accepted.
“I am not anorexic but I am under lot of pressure almost all the time and it affects my appetite.” – she told me while she chewed huge bites of her slice.
“I am fat because I love to eat and I don’t give a fuck.”
She stopped her cheerful chewing and looked at me with eyes widened in shock. I couldn’t quite understand her reaction so I tried to shake it off with a silly smile followed by a shrug.
She almost choked laughing. She had gigantic tears rolling down her bony cheeks but it left an impression of sadness rather than joy. She held her belly and barely stopped herself of spiting out bites in her mouth. I laughed with her because it was a really contagious laughter.
She puked all she ate with me at the table. I held her fore-head while her vomit mixed with mucus from her nose landed on the grass.
Trough short episodes of inhaling air she managed to tell me that she has a presentation after the break and that she is nervous. She thanked me for some reason. However, I never ate pizza again.